HOMEWORK 45 - Interview w/ Family Members

Christopher R

Interview with my mother:
What are some of your initial thoughts about the care of the dead?
I don’t know anything about the care of the dead. I know that at funerals there are people who take care of the body. They keep it so that it is preserved and during the funeral the person still looks like they did when they were alive. The funerals that I have been too had the person who died dressed up very nice. They were presented the way I think everyone wants to be presented when they are dead. Very well dressed and it just looks like the person is there sleeping. If the person looked like they were dead it would probably be a lot harder for people to want to view the body. This could bring back negative memories instead of positive memories, and the funeral is supposed to be a place where everyone comes to celebrate and say goodbye to the person who died. I have been to a lot of funerals of people who are very close to me, and even though I tend to cry and feel very upset I realize that they go to another place that’s better than here on earth. It is still very hard for people to get used to not having these people around though.

What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial, and how/why do the two get confused?
I don’t think there is a difference between a funeral and a memorial. A funeral is where people go to view the body and say goodbye, and people speak on their behalf. For someone who thinks they are attending a memorial, I don’t think things would be much different. In a memorial I feel like someone would speak on the person’s behalf and everyone would be there to celebrate the life of the person. I think these two can get confused by someone who has never been to a funeral in their life. Someone who has never been to a funeral could feel like there is a difference because they don’t have firsthand experience. However someone like me who goes to a funeral almost two times a year, I think they can be very depressing but at the same time they can be very good. The family of the deceased gets to be around all of people who cared a lot about their family member.

Have you ever been to a funeral where the body was cremated after?
I have been to one. It was the exact same thing. I have only been to about 8 actual burials and probably more than 20 funerals/ wakes. It’s not like I was at the cremation. I don’t really know what that whole thing is about. I was raised always thinking that people are buried, then when my father died I wanted to be buried next to him in that cemetery along with everyone else in my family.

Can you tell me about some personal experiences you’ve had at funerals?

I have been to a lot of funerals so I guess I can tell you about the one that affected me the most. Your godmother, my best friend Barbara passed away. It affected me a lot because she was my best friend. When I moved to New York she was one of the first people that I met. Then she use to live down the street from us and she moved upstate. So I wasn’t able to go to her house and see her whenever I wanted. The day she died was very unexpected. She was missing for a little while and then I think one of her sons found her in the basement. No one knew why she was going to the basement and why she died on her way down to the basement. She didn’t have many medical problems, so it was concluded that she had fallen down the stairs. It’s like she just died out of nowhere there wasn’t anything I could say to her before she died. There was no warning. With my friend Denise who had off and on cancer, I was able to be with her before she died. With Barbara, she just passed away. She was dressed up very nice and her sons both spoke on her behalf.

Any other thoughts?
I don’t think people should be afraid of dying, but I think they should be presented however they want, no one can tell them how they should be presented.

Interview with Cousin
What are some of your initial thoughts about the care of the dead?
Care of the dead. Is that like funerals, and the way that the dead people are treated? I haven’t been to many funerals except my father’s funeral. I was a little kid when he died, so I haven’t seen how things are done at funerals in a long time. At his funeral though everyone was in all black. He was dressed up really well, my mother was speaking, I was speaking. Everyone was crying. That doesn’t have a lot to do with the care of the dead though. People treated him with a lot of respect; there was no one who had anything negative to say about him. Even some people who didn’t like him were there and saying nice things trying to comfort me. They were trying to comfort my mother. I guess that is care of the dead.

What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial, and how/why do the two get confused?
A funeral is a memorial. People at the funeral are remembered. They are celebrated. People come to say good things in the memory of this person. That is the same thing as a funeral. I guess a funeral is only with a dead person and a memorial can be for someone who is alive. Michael Jordan has a memorial outside of the Bulls arena. That’s almost the same thing as what happens in a funeral. Except at a funeral the person is dead and there is no statue there is just a coffin/ casket.

Have you ever been to a funeral where the body was cremated after?
I have been to one funeral. My father was not cremated. What is the point of burning him?
Can you tell me about some personal experiences you’ve had at funerals?
There isn’t much to talk about. I barely remember this. It was the exact same thing that your mother talked about. Funerals don’t really change. Just your connection to the person.

Analysis: The most interesting part about this interview and the interview from the last homework is the care of the dead is something many people don’t know about. I don’t know what it is and I am still confused what exactly we are going to learn about in this unit. But my mother knows a lot about funerals because it seems like she goes to one at least every few months. Her brother, aunt, many of her best friends have died, usually all near the same time. The females in our family usually outlive the men. However she didn’t talk about the care of the dead either she talked more about illness and dying. She has a lot of stories about people that have died, and I don’t think she went off on a different topic on purpose, I think for the most part what she did was talk about what she thought care of the dead was. However I think that care of the dead is what happens to the body and not the ceremony that the person who is dead is having. The most thought provoking thing (because the word insightful is overused in this course) that she said was “She didn’t have many medical problems, so it was concluded that she had fallen down the stairs. It’s like she just died out of nowhere there wasn’t anything I could say to her before she died. There was no warning. With my friend Denise who had off and on cancer, I was able to be with her before she died. With Barbara, she just passed away.” This made me think about what my cousin said in his interview. My mom was able to be with her friend Denise because there was evidence that she could be very close to death. However Barbara who is another one of her best friends died without any type of warning. This leading me to think that my cousin was correct when he said funerals are all the same, the only thing that changes are your connection to the person.

This was probably the closest thing to care of the dead in the entire interview. I think the idea that all funerals are the same, but your connection is what makes it special or not special is very true. This makes me wonder why some people who do not have strong connections go to others funerals. If someone died and you are not very close to them then this celebration/ memorial is not going to affect you as much as someone who does have a strong connection with a person. I also noticed that the cremation topic was also something that we (as a family) barely know anything about. I was raised, going to a good amount of funerals, and them all being burials. The idea of burning the body of a person you love, when you can keep a memorial of them seems stupid. At the same time I understand why people do cremate their loved ones because at the same time it is still that persons last decision.